“…and It’s Like That…”

SDTK:  ‘Heaven & Hell’ - Raekwon

I haven’t listened to my favorites from my iTunes library in a very long time.  I’ve been working at cleansing my spiritual palate.  I’ve been growing out of a lot lately.  I have been tempted to use the word ‘depressed’ to describe what I was feeling in the past, but then I felt like I’d have been lying about it at the time that I was feeling what I was feeling.  Lately, though, there have been so many changes in a short period of time, that I just got stuck in the space between wanting to do more and be better, and paralyzing fear.

What was I afraid of?  Good question.  Well I think I’d have to put failure in general at the top of that list.  I guess we all are.  Sure, our aspirations differ, but ultimately we wanna be pleased with our own efforts.  We wanna know that we gave our maker, our families, our friends, our plans, and our ideas our best.  I think what helped me into the rut was the stillness.  I mean, I thought I was the best at that.  Chillin’.  Relaxin’.  Boy, boy, boy.  I mean, I do love to chill, but this wasn’t a chill type of quiet time. I loved to chill after a long day of work toward something, or after helping somebody out with something, or getting some things done around the house.  This stillness was not that.  It took me several weeks to realize that I had changed so much within the space of like 2 years.  

SDTK:  ‘Royalty’ - Gang Starr

I chucked most of my clothes. Outta there.  I felt like nothing I had represented me well anymore.  A purging of sorts, which is normal, especially when seasons change, but I felt like I was not interested in being colorful or bright or bold or trendy.  In many ways, I’m just not her anymore. This is not to say I have no desire to present well anymore, or to spruce myself up, but I have a different idea of what that means now. Same me, but I just feel…new. I don’t want the same things anymore, I don’t respond the same ways to what used to bring me joy.  Scared the HECK out of me at first, but then I realized that I’m just at the point in my life where much of what I came to count on to distract me, to relieve me, or to numb me just wouldn’t work anymore. Then, it’s DEAD QUIET. So then I’m like: “well…wtf?” No, but seriously…the silence Simon and Garfunkel talked about is way creepier when you’re sitting in it for months. 

SDTK:  ‘’How’s It Gonna Be’ - Third Eye Blind

The beauty of growing pain is that it’s conditioning you for the next season if you learn to move with it. Of course the more you endure, the less you feel it. It’s not gone for me.  Not for real.  I’m currently learning to move with this new kind of burden.  I know it won’t be the last pain I learn to carry. Life is all about shift and balance.  I appreciate the variety most when I’m not in the hard parts of it, you know?  I’m trying not to go into too much detail because this isn’t the place.  I believe this experience deserves to be presented with a bit more thought and planning.  

SDTK:  ‘Uncle John’s Band’ - The Grateful Dead

I’ve missed being social.  Then again, the quality of the time I spend alone has stepped up quite a bit.  I’ve been loving baking as much as crafting, but I haven’t crafted anything since I customized some pieces for my nieces last Christmas and made some jewelry (jewelry needs tweaking :-/) for my mom, sis, and niece.  They were cool, though, so that was a high point for sure. I’m better at math, too! OMG SO happy about that because, baby…hahaha!! No, I’m working on that pretty hard, so that’s a plus.  Shed a few pounds. Shed a few contacts. Lol! I mean, hey…it’s a part of life.  Not everyone I haven’t talked to is being shut out.  I’ve been a bit low in spots, and needed to just lean into myself.  For years I haven’t been able to explain my tendency to do this, but I finally get where this comes from for me.  It was helpful to have that unfold for me as well.

SDTK:  ‘Take It Easy’ - Mad Lion

Some time in the future, I hope to be reconnecting with some of the people I love and appreciate and who have been so important to me over the years.  I have a renewed awareness of the importance of community.  Of course there is more that’s been going on with me, but I’ve never been Open-Book-Olivia, so this is where I leave you. I hope and I pray that you’re well and good.  I love you. 

SDTK:   ‘It’s Your World’ - Common

💜